TimYang.com ::: The Geek Blog

Monday December 06

Give way to ambulance drivers because the stars told you so.

It started out because a girl I liked was interested in it (as usual). So I read up a bit about astrology. It was cute in school. Everyone wanted to know what their future (or at least tomorrow) would be like. It was useful for finding out who you were when your parents were telling you to do one thing and what you really wanted to do was find out if sticking a match in your bum while you farted would send you to the moon.

Astrology is quite interesting. It posits that the universe revolves around the position of universal things called "stars". The very same things that Simply Red and Boy Meets Girl were predicting in the 80s would crash to the earth and kill us all in a fiery blaze of lava and shmaltz. Or something like that.

Ah-so, as the Japanese would say. Where you were born and when you were born are the keys to full knowledge of yourself. Which I thought was a funny thing because two thousand years ago when astrology was invented by two dudes called "Galileo and Campanella" (performing tonight at the Bob's Jazz Bar, drinks for women at half price), there weren't a lot of people being born near each other. You'd have one guy putting his mother's groin through a Taebo routine at one end a county and another guy doing the same at the other end. Of course they'd have totally unique characters and lives because, well the stars predicted it so.

But these days with metropolises serving 10 million or so Starbucks cafes, you'd have ten or twenty babies born every second at any hospital. Who can keep up with the work? No wonder doctors are always telling us to use condoms. I would be sharing the same astrology chart as all the other kids born on February 26 at 10am in Gleneagles Hospital in Singapore. Say goodbye to the theory of my uniqueness.

Astrology is telling me that I have more in common with the kid in the next bed that I would with the rest of my family wading in my gene pool because we were born at the same time and at the same place. That would be true if I had a twin, which fortunately I don't. Who the hell wants to share the same bath water with someone who looks like me. Ewww.

So, you might ask (I certainly did), what if something had happened that prevented me from being born at that time and location. What if my ambulance was in a traffic jam? Or what if my mother was watching the final episode of Friends when the contractions started? I'd have a totally different life and character, that's what. Instead of being mild-mannered Tim, I might have been a Tim, "The Sex God©". Hot damn!

Basically astrology is telling us also that our whole lives are being planned out by the guy who drives the ambulance and whether he decides to go to one hospital or another. Or whether he knows a short cut and can get there faster. It makes me wish I had a driver's license. I'd find a hospital with a maternity ward immediately. Like my fellow ambulance drivers, I'd be shaping lives. And futures. I'd have the power to change the course of history.

So my point is, the next time you see an ambulance coming your way, do give way. When I'm rich and in my twilight years, that ambulance could be carrying the girl I'm going to marry.


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